Archive for July, 2010

weirdo

July 2nd, 2010

“Never mind,” she said. “I found it.”

“You’re being silly,” he said. “You haven’t found anything.”

She turned around and looked at him, holding it in her hand. “But, it’s right here.” She brandished it at him. “What are you talking about?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”

She looked at it. She examined it. She sniffed it, gave it a tiny taste with her tongue. She glared at him. “Yes.”

He grinned. “Okay, then.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing.” He reached his hand out. “May I see it?”

She clutched it to her chest. “No. You’re weirding me out.” She turned away from him. “I’m out of here.”

His chuckle sent chills racing down her spine. “Suit yourself.” She spun around, stuck her tongue out at him, and ran out of the building.

“Weirdo,” she muttered to herself, just before the explosion.

breaking all over again

July 1st, 2010

“I don’t want a baby girl,” I said, my eyes filled with tears without release. “I want my baby girl.”

But I lost her, I won’t ever have her. There are days when I wake up wondering where she is, and then I remember that she was never even born.

I see other people with their daughters, and I miss mine so much. She would be 7 years old this August.

I don’t want a baby, now. I want my daughter. I want my little sister for her big brother, who loves and misses her like I do. I want to have never lost her, I want to not have never gotten to meet her.

For a long time, just the possibility of someday maybe having another baby mitigated that pain – even if I didn’t want to have one, knowing I could helped. For a while, I planned to give other people what I had lost, and that filled the hole in my heart, eased the ache.

“And now I’m losing that, too. And my heart is breaking all over again,” I said, and the tears found their release.